Let Me Explain Why Miley Cyrus’ VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning | The Onion / by Simon Abrams

So, as managing editor of CNN.com, I want our readers to know this: All you are to us, and all you will ever be to us, are eyeballs. The more eyeballs on our content, the more cash we can ask for. Period. And if we’re able to get more eyeballs, that means I’ve done my job, which gets me congratulations from my bosses, which encourages me to put up even more stupid bullshit on the homepage.

I don’t hesitate to call it stupid bullshit because we all know it’s stupid bullshit. We know it and you know it. We also know that you are probably dumb enough, or bored enough, or both, to click on the stupid bullshit anyway, and that you will continue to do so as long as we keep putting it in front of your big, idiot faces.

So good. And by the way, I'm excited to see what my pageviews look like, just for linking to a story mocking CNN for putting Miley Cyrus in the spot usually reserved for the most important news in the world.